Are YOU a wandering adventurer who likes to slaughter goblins? Perhaps YOU are a great warrior, out to avenge the death of your brother and claim the throne of some kingdom nobody cares about! Are YOU a badass freaking wizard who needs to show up at unpredictable moments to reveal important information?
Are you frustrated by the way horses work?
Perhaps you, like us, have experienced the following situation. You’re the farm boy hero who’s going to defeat the Bog Monster and save your village. You jump onto your plough horse to cheers and applause all round, only to discover that he doesn’t know what’s going on and doesn’t want to be ridden. He throws you off, you break your arm, and then you die from gangrene. It happens.
But not anymore!
Come on over to Pimp My Pony. We’ve got spells, enchantments, potions and the latest technology to upgrade your horse to a model that kicks ass in absolutely every sense. Make your farm horse forget her natural instincts as a prey animal and say “fuck it! How hard can it be to kill a dragon, anyway?”
Want a shining silver mount? A daring steed who’s fast as the wind, black as the night, has creepy red eyes and kicks everyone except you in the perineum? Ask about our custom recolouring and enchantment services! We can give your horse a long, glossy mane that flies in the wind* or a white face blaze in the shape of a freaking halberd. Try UniBond, the love potion that will make a horse instantly bond with you and you alone, even though you’ve only just met. And there’s more!
Perhaps you’re frustrated that horses need to eat, drink and rest. Try drugging them with SteedSpeed, the powerful stimulant and appetite suppressant that will keep that horse going at full tilt as long as you need!** With our partial-levitation charm for riders, you’ll be able to ride double with the chubbiest princess and not harm or upset a horse that’s only used to carrying one nine stone farm boy.
Were you astounded to discover that your horse was unable to gallop non-stop for sixteen hours? Let me introduce our patented rocket shoes! Using the latest magical technology, you can fuse these to a horse’s feet and he’ll travel up to four hundred miles in any straight line in a single day.*** Is there a dense forest in the way? Try a pegasus graft!****
At Pimp My Pony, we understand your needs. You, the adventurers, have spoken. And what you’ve told us is that these gentle herbivores, who’ve given up their freedom to form a special bond with humans, revolutionising our whole society, are basically just rubbish. With our help, they can be everything that you just assumed they were from the start.
* Warning: mane will fly straight into your face. Lungs and vision may be adversely affected.
**Horse will drop dead when the drug wears off. Don’t want that to happen? Keep administering the drug, friend!
*** Horse may be permanently traumatised afterwards.
**** Minumum eight months turnaround time. 70% death rate.